We can pretend all we want, but things will never be the same between us. At least not on my end. I can never trust you again, the way I once did. There’s always going to be that awkward discomfort when you say you love me, because I can’t believe that you do. Why are we fighting the inevitable?
I have something positive to share for once! I got accepted into the college I have been waiting to hear from! I am so excited. Its in another province and I think that’s going to be an amazing change for me. I need to get out of the valley for a little while and have a fresh start with people who know nothing about me. I couldn’t be more scared and excited at the same time.
Yesterday was his birthday. He came over even though he said he wouldn’t waste his gas on his own birthday. He told me he loved me and cuddled me and called me baby; things he hasn’t done in a long time. He said he was “going through something” and that’s why he acted like he did for a few weeks. Then I took him out for birthday supper and we came home and he bugged for sex. I told him I didn’t feel right doing it because he told me a few days earlier that we would probably break up soon and that he didn’t think things were working anymore. He swore he didn’t mean it and he wants me for a long time, so I ended up giving in and then he left later that night to go to a friends, though he promised he would be back to stay the night with me. Around midnight I texted to ask when he was coming back.. “I’m not”, he said. Now I’m not sure if he meant when he said or if he was just saying it to get sex. Why am I so weak?
He told me he wants to break up soon. I have a feeling the next time we see each other will be the last day as a couple. 3 years gone. How can someone just throw 3 years away like its nothing? This is so depressing. His birthday is tomorrow. I didnt get anything since he said we’re going to break up. I was going to buy something today but not now. Valentines day is in a few days too. Could he have picked a worse time?
I asked him if he even wants to be with me anymore. His answer? “I don’t know, let me think about it for a while”. A strong girl would walk away. A strong girl would say “than I guess you don’t really love me, if you need to think on it”. But me? I’m not strong. I’m sitting here having anxiety attacks one after another just hoping me decides to put up with me a while longer because I can’t imagine being without him. As awful as he treats me, I need him. Even knowing that he probably doesn’t care much for me anymore, I’m still willing to hold onto him for all that its worth. Which isn’t much.. I’m so stupid.
WHY DO I LET MYSELF GO THOUGH THIS? I let him hurt me again and again! I let him walk all over me and treat me like trash! But I still love him so much and I can’t pull myself away from him. But for some reason I believe when he says he’s sorry and that he loves me. But for some reason I know I won’t leave him any time soon. I’ll just stand here and take it, time after time. I’ll just watch him talk to other girls the way he used to talk to me. “Hey beautiful” “I miss you” “I’m here for you girl”. All I get now is “hi” “love u” “oh, don’t be sad.”
My mom will literally find any little thing to complain about and blame other people. Like wtf she just got pissed off because the washer was on gentle cycle when she washed her clothes and she didn’t change it before she started the wash but she blamed whoever used the washer last? Like dang take some blame for yourself
I say that I “hate people” but really I’m just too lazy to say “My social anxiety makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and awkward around other people therefore I find it difficult to socialize with them.”
I say that I “hate life”, but really, I’m just too lazy to say “The challenges that I am currently facing, combined with my fears about the future are bringing me down, therefore I find it difficult to motivate myself.”
I’m 18 years old, soon to be 19, I’ve been out of high school for a year. I work part time as a cashier and I don’t go to college or university. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life or what I even want to do. And it’s scary as fuck. Honestly I feel so alone. It seems like everyone else has it all figured out, and everyone’s waiting for me to tell them what I’m doing but all I can say is “I don’t know”. Growing up fucking sucks.
Watching romance movies without him here is the worst. In the end, I always ache to be held in his arms, or to be kissed by him. Or just hear him say “I love you”.
I always realize how much I need him.
when people chose a person over you and then when they have no one else they come running back to you. no, fuck you. fuck you for not being there for me when I needed you. fuck you for never making an effort to see me because you had someone else
Why do people look at me like I have 27 heads when I say I’ve never done illegal drugs? Is it really that amazing that a 17 year old has never smoked weed? I don’t know about y’all but I actually paid attention in health class in middle school. JUST SAY NO PEOPLE.
More than anything, I want him to look at me like i’m the answer to all of his problems. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be the only one on his mind, at all times. I wanna be the one he talks about to all of his friends and says, “that’s my girl.” I just want to feel like he loves me as much as I’m in love with him.